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Courtesy of Donna Tyler
- In-laws are
people related to you by marriage. They ar4 also
people who are considered part of the family.
- Trouble
with your in-laws is usually a sign that you and
your spouse need to build a stronger family unit on
your own. That has to come before anything else.
- When you
say your in-laws drive you crazy, what you're really
dealing with are the personalities of the people
involved. Often, the roles we play are scripted for
us long before we arrive on the scene. These are
often the roles we assume in childhood and play into
adulthood, polishing and perfecting them whether
they fit our current situation or not.
- Realize
that you can't change someone else; you can only
change yourself. Start building better relationships
with your in-laws by recognizing your role in the
conflict.
- Think of
your in-laws as a potential resource to expand your
support network. You can accomplish this by
approaching your in-laws the same way you would any
potential friend. Respect them, be interested in
them, and listen to them.
- Host a
formal event to meet the in-laws. Serve food that
you have cooked with your own hands.
- Recognize
that all in-laws bring their emotional baggage to
the wedding preparations and ceremony. This colors
their actions and reactions.
- Clashes
with your mother-in-law may actually intensify as
you get older. A newly married young woman may not
be very confident about her own opinions, and if she
has a mother-in-law who says things ought to be done
this way, it's harder to challenge her. But by the
time a woman is middle-aged, she's normally a
well-established adult who has her own strong
opinions and feels more confident. As a result,
she's more likely to confront her mother-in-law
head-on. Ouch.
- This
problem works both ways: A daughter-in-law may be
crowding her mother-in-law by making too many
demands on her time. This is especially true when
the daughter-in-law has lost her own mother or
prefers her mother-in-law to her own mother.
- Analyze the
cause of the strife with your mother-in-law. What
does she do that drives you 'round the bend? (And
don't forget your role in the conflict.)
- Husbands
raised by single mothers may have an especially
difficult time forging a satisfactory relationship
with their father-in-law because they often don't
have a clear idea what to expect from a "father
figure."
- Sons- and
daughters-in-law sometimes hold back their affection
for their father-in-law out of fear they'll betray
their own fathers. However, a father-in-law can
often be a second opportunity for love by offering
you guidance you could never get from your own
father.
- Odds are
good that your in-laws are going to have a radically
different cultural background from your own.
- In-laws
can't start to relax with each other until they
achieve mutual acceptance. Like anything worth
having, this process takes time. If you can make it
to this stage, however, you're well on your way to a
sturdy friendship.
- Accept that
your in-laws aren't your parents. As a result,
they're not likely to abide by the same rules your
folks did. Think "different," not "better," or
"worse." Compromise on differences that are less
important and negotiate those that are more central.
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